I live, I love, I slay, and I am content.

Conan the Barbarian 11/11/11

Director: Marcus Nispel         Writers: Thomas Dean Donnelly/Joshua Oppenheimer/Sean Hood and Robert E. Howard (original stories)

2011

In a moment of Alpha Male blindness I decided to watch the new Conan. I was still aware however that I hold the Arnie versions in that mental sweet spot where cheesiness and homoerotic shirtlessness combine to make a beloved yet belittled action film. I was also aware that this could be a review very similar to Season of the Witch where I spend my time wishing that Ron Perlman was allowed to be more awesome for more of the running time. But like a true barbarian I ignored these hazards and went forward in search of awesomeness.

The film uses a framing device to familiarise us with Conan’s world and the great evil of a mask made from the skulls of dead kings (eeeeew!) that has the power to make the user all mighty and stuff. Also we learn that to make the mask work you need to add two tablespoons of pure sorcerer daughter blood. I was slightly confused when it was Morgan Freeman telling me these things, and it felt just like the writers flinging information my way rather than building up any kind of feelings, but fine, it’s only Conan and feelings have no business here. We also learn that Conan was “born through battle” which in this case means his mothers belly got an unplanned Caesarean during a battle, which an epically beardy Ron Perlman had to finish off. Pretty cool.

So fast forward a few years and we are in Cimmeria, and we get to see a young Conan being better than his older buddies at carrying an egg in his mouth and going on a jog (oh and he also beheads like 4 ugly enemy dudes) so we know how strong and epic he is already. We also learn his weakness of being “all fire” as he duels with his father, but unfortunately the writers fail to bring this back to the story for any character development. Instead adult Conan is fuelled by revenge and guilt over the failure to save his father (why can’t Perlman stay alive in these things) who dies at the hands of men after the last piece of the ancient mask. One part I liked about these scenes was the film allowing a tender moment of handholding as Conan’s father faces death, not many action films would bother.

From here on out the film is all about showing us how epic adult Conan is while he does good(ish) deeds while freeing slaves...but then he’s happy to take special care of women obviously intended to be sex slaves. So he frees them, and then sleeps with them. Fair enough. Oh and in the tradition of the original films there are a few shots of naked breasts. Great if you are an adolescent boy.

All the action is interesting and engaging, even if it seems a bit easy for Conan to beat up warriors that have enslaved thousands of people. The plot is introduced as you would expect, fairly happenstance, and that’s fine for this kind of film, but I never got a sense of what Conan was about. Like, he has the whole revenge thing, but is he actually good at heart? Is he just out for himself? Does he care about overthrowing a great evil or just about his father’s killer? Arnie’s version seemed to be better formed.

There are two major CGI scenes in the film, one with sand demons which I enjoyed, and one with a kraken type thing which I found boring. I think the sand demons looked better and the cinema space was better understood in the fight, but the film was at its best when Jason Momoa was brawling and bitch slapping freaky looking extras. And remember, if they look weird then they must be evil.

 I found myself disliking the way that the female lead (Rachel Nichols) flip flopped from knife wielding independent woman to screaming damsel in distress. It’s like the writers never made a character and just wrote it scene by scene, but given a chance she could have been another element to the film on way or the other. And of course they kiss (and more!) after she asks him some vaguely deep philosophical question and he showse a glimpse of humanity. Forget the fact that she’s a monk and should have philosophical and religious convictions, this is again predictable and lazy from the writers. Rose Mcgowan was given much more to do as the witch daughter Marique, great visual design to the character and a bold delivery. She was much more interesting than the main villain and should have been given more screen time.

However on the whole this is watchable. But if like me you really want cheese and silliness with your violent, topless barbarians, get hold of the Arnie ones, a few beers and have a laugh with your friends.