"How do you call a snake?"

Friday the 13^th 22/11/11

Director: Sean S. Cunningham            Writer: Victor Miller

1980

            Riding in the slipstream of genre defining Halloween (1978) Friday the 13^th and its many sequels achieved close to the fame of its contemporaries, including the Nightmare on Elm Street series with which there was an eventual crossover film. However I never understood why Jason Voorhees was interesting. But then again it took me until now to get round to watching it.

            Beginning with scenes of clean cut teen campers at a lakeside summer camp, singing hymns with wide smiles (on a Friday the 13^th), the cannon fodder looks to be the same as in many horror films of the time (and since). However two of these happy campers mooch away to the barn for some sinful moment...and are quickly dispatched by an unseen killer. Probably not Jesus being mad at their pre-marital nookie. This all takes place in the late 50’s and the film then jumps to another Friday 13^th in the present day (or the 80’s to us). The camp is going to be re-opened against seemingly everybody’s best judgement, except for our buddy Steve (there are levels of acting here I would associate with porn or health and safety videos). On the way to work at the camp is our buddy Annie...who we see talking to a dog and getting in a truck with a random stranger after she is told of a string of tragedies at the camp. Clever girl.

            We see other camp workers arriving and HOLY FLUFF ITS KEVIN BACON! This film might just pick up! I have been craving his skinny body/downy hair combo from the 80’s since Footloose. What if he fights the killer with dance moves???

            Anyhoo there are these camp workers right, and they are all happy and teenaged (the director went for actors that belonged in cola commercials) just like the ones in the 50’s, so no surprises where this is going. And that is totally forgivable, switching our brains off etc. But what the film lacks is any real indication of what the characters are about. Part of this is the way we see the campers messing around, pretending to drown, killing a snake (a real one, animal cruelty that wouldn’t happen now), but only learn that one guy is a prankster, Kevin, the fluff, Bacon is more serious and that the girls are wearing bikinis. And these small character traits do not feature in any other scenes, so why bother?

            Our buddy Annie, who up until a certain point has the most dialogue of all the kids and looks to be our protagonist, has to switch rides. She chooses wrong, and ends up all kinds of dead. This is 22 minutes in, so who is our protagonist? Well Kevin Bacon is a good candidate (despite not dancing) as is his girlfriend type as they get together in a storm. Oh wait no! Pre-marital nookie! I fear the worst for my fluffy hero...

            From here on in the film degenerates into lazy set ups for the unseen killer. They become increasingly gory, which is fair enough, but with each half developed character killed I lost interest. We have been getting small mentions of the first tragedy at the camp, a drowned boy, and anybody watching nowadays will figure out who that was. However by the time we actually get Jason’s back story revealed it’s about 30 minutes late and I didn’t care.

            The plusses of this film are its unexpected order of deaths, an unseen twist (sort of) of who the killer is, and one good jump near the end. I also liked the effects for their time and the music, with a signature sound for the killer’s POV. The negatives are the lighting, a boring and aimless plot, lack of suspense, poor dialogue etc etc. I would advise you to watch this in a marathon of the series with drinks and friends, it is NOT scary. All hail the (sort of) fluffy hair.

I live, I love, I slay, and I am content.

Conan the Barbarian 11/11/11

Director: Marcus Nispel         Writers: Thomas Dean Donnelly/Joshua Oppenheimer/Sean Hood and Robert E. Howard (original stories)

2011

In a moment of Alpha Male blindness I decided to watch the new Conan. I was still aware however that I hold the Arnie versions in that mental sweet spot where cheesiness and homoerotic shirtlessness combine to make a beloved yet belittled action film. I was also aware that this could be a review very similar to Season of the Witch where I spend my time wishing that Ron Perlman was allowed to be more awesome for more of the running time. But like a true barbarian I ignored these hazards and went forward in search of awesomeness.

The film uses a framing device to familiarise us with Conan’s world and the great evil of a mask made from the skulls of dead kings (eeeeew!) that has the power to make the user all mighty and stuff. Also we learn that to make the mask work you need to add two tablespoons of pure sorcerer daughter blood. I was slightly confused when it was Morgan Freeman telling me these things, and it felt just like the writers flinging information my way rather than building up any kind of feelings, but fine, it’s only Conan and feelings have no business here. We also learn that Conan was “born through battle” which in this case means his mothers belly got an unplanned Caesarean during a battle, which an epically beardy Ron Perlman had to finish off. Pretty cool.

So fast forward a few years and we are in Cimmeria, and we get to see a young Conan being better than his older buddies at carrying an egg in his mouth and going on a jog (oh and he also beheads like 4 ugly enemy dudes) so we know how strong and epic he is already. We also learn his weakness of being “all fire” as he duels with his father, but unfortunately the writers fail to bring this back to the story for any character development. Instead adult Conan is fuelled by revenge and guilt over the failure to save his father (why can’t Perlman stay alive in these things) who dies at the hands of men after the last piece of the ancient mask. One part I liked about these scenes was the film allowing a tender moment of handholding as Conan’s father faces death, not many action films would bother.

From here on out the film is all about showing us how epic adult Conan is while he does good(ish) deeds while freeing slaves...but then he’s happy to take special care of women obviously intended to be sex slaves. So he frees them, and then sleeps with them. Fair enough. Oh and in the tradition of the original films there are a few shots of naked breasts. Great if you are an adolescent boy.

All the action is interesting and engaging, even if it seems a bit easy for Conan to beat up warriors that have enslaved thousands of people. The plot is introduced as you would expect, fairly happenstance, and that’s fine for this kind of film, but I never got a sense of what Conan was about. Like, he has the whole revenge thing, but is he actually good at heart? Is he just out for himself? Does he care about overthrowing a great evil or just about his father’s killer? Arnie’s version seemed to be better formed.

There are two major CGI scenes in the film, one with sand demons which I enjoyed, and one with a kraken type thing which I found boring. I think the sand demons looked better and the cinema space was better understood in the fight, but the film was at its best when Jason Momoa was brawling and bitch slapping freaky looking extras. And remember, if they look weird then they must be evil.

 I found myself disliking the way that the female lead (Rachel Nichols) flip flopped from knife wielding independent woman to screaming damsel in distress. It’s like the writers never made a character and just wrote it scene by scene, but given a chance she could have been another element to the film on way or the other. And of course they kiss (and more!) after she asks him some vaguely deep philosophical question and he showse a glimpse of humanity. Forget the fact that she’s a monk and should have philosophical and religious convictions, this is again predictable and lazy from the writers. Rose Mcgowan was given much more to do as the witch daughter Marique, great visual design to the character and a bold delivery. She was much more interesting than the main villain and should have been given more screen time.

However on the whole this is watchable. But if like me you really want cheese and silliness with your violent, topless barbarians, get hold of the Arnie ones, a few beers and have a laugh with your friends.